Traveling through my life...

Today, something made me think of an old friend, whom I have not seen in 16 years. He moved to China, and has become immensely successful; personally and professionally.

It was the sight of a small compass that pulled me back in time. A compass which looked exactly like the little black compass someone special once gave me into my keeping...

I suddenly found myself sitting in Adam's room, which I shared with Sarah. It was up in the attic in the house he had just bought. The sun was shining, I could hear the birds sing. I was there to be part of a very unique little teaching project in Withington, a small town close to Manchester, England. It was a most remarkable time... It was the street children that we attracted. They followed us everywhere we went. We gave them copies of the Hidden Words. They placed them in their fanny bags. We read some of those Words for them. They listened..

One day, one of the boys came to me, and said "listen"... He then went on to recite the Hidden Word "Love me, that I may love thee.." He learnt it by heart!

I was dumbfounded and I was deeply moved.

So much has happened since that time. Sixteen years...
I miss Adam's spirit. I hold close the compass, as I journey through my life. It guides me, as I travel on. I go back to that point in time, and know where I was and how I felt. Life was clear to me then.

Ma, it's me, Maya! Seeeeee?

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My Grandmother

I never knew her.
She never knew me.
But she was my maternal Grandmother.
We lived in the same world, we call 'Earth'. We never got the chance to communicate, get to know one another, exchange idea's, do things together.

She lived in a world of her own. A world the medical community refers to as 'mental illness'. They locked her up in an institution for the rest of her adult live, after giving birth to my Mom. They shocked her, performed a lobotomy on her, placed her on numerous medications. She remained in that world of her own.
She never did get to know her very own daughter, Joanna, who looked so much like her physically.

Where does the pain of people like my Grandmother go? Who's watching over them? Does some of that pain pass on to us, her decendants? Is that the sometimes unexplainable pain I feel, when all is quiet, and the world's asleep. The pain she carried, silently, that now she's gone, I feel deep within my being, because we are connected genetically.

My mother always told me I looked like my Grandmother. I inherited her artistic abilities (painting). Did I inherit her pain too?

Growth

This is the logo I created for my practice. I hope it will be received well. It is amazing to see this whole process of the 'birth' of my practice come into being. First the finding of the building (Hoboken's former Lyric Theatre). The negotiation of the lease; the design of the space; seeing the walls go up in stages; all the electrical, the wiring, the plumbing; the spackling, the detailing; the painting will happen next week, as well as the carpeting. I chose both colors. Today I picked up the two vanities, sinks and faucets from Home Depot. Next week time for making my choices on office furniture and medical equipment. I designed and published a fun announcement poster and created magnetic postcards which I'll hang in kids stores and kids facilities throughout town.

Simultaneously I am gradually becoming an IT 'expert'. I've learnt so much about practice management systems, servers, electronic medical record systems and hardware variations. I've met with presidents of companies, software engineers, practice consultants, cleaning services, fellow colleagues. I have picked up the phone to speak to office managers, university health centers, large companies HR departments. I've approached local store keepers, newspapers, rotary club and the like.

I even hired an office manager, and am sifting through responses for an ad seeking a nurse for my practice.

My business account is gradually draining it's first $ 20,000... The task gets more daunting by the passing of each day. "Will I be able to pull it off?"

My parents are so proud. You should hear my dad speak about my practice. He cannot wait to see it, or rather, see me in it, ready to tell anybody and everybody: "that's my daughter!"

Mom & Dad... This one's for you...

Delete

From one day to the next, my closest friend (or so I thought him to be) cut me out of his life.

No explanation.
The spoken word, stiffled...
The written text, left blank...
No understanding.
No reaching out.

Silence has filled the pages of the book of our 18 years of friendship.

It has been over a year now. I have tried in many ways to connect back with him. Even wrote him a letter expressing my pain at his silence. Tried to dig deep within and gain some insight into my contribution to this silence. I have gained my own perspective.... but only mine. One part of a shared existence.

How could this person wipe me out of his life so easily? How does he do it? You just get up and tell yourself that this person just does not exist? Any email, you delete. Any voicemail.. delete... Any mention... delete.

I never thought this person was capable of such coldness; such apathy. It gives me the shivers....

Is it that easy? Like hitting the key on one's computer? You "just" press
"D E L E T E"?

To me, by wiping out a person from your life, you wipe out any meaning your connection once had. Any shared past becomes non-existent. Meaningless.
For me... I cannot wipe out that past. It was, and remains too meaningful to me. I cared for this person for what he was, and what he was not. For his past and for his future.

It's painful to me to realize that obviously he did not care (enough) for me.

Family Pic

Thanksgiving in Arizona. This was taken at the zoo we visited. It was great. Watching the kids have so much fun, and getting close to the animals is a wondrous experience.

Too bad Maya is not smiling in this picture... when she smiles, the whole world lights up!

What is "growing up." What does it really mean to become "older"? Max cannot wait to grow up, so he can finally drive! I have been confronted with my own "growing older" recently. Becoming very aware of it. Perhaps that's the beauty (cruelty?) of being a parent. You are allowed to be a witness to the intricate processes of what it means, and what it takes, to be a human being. You are enabled to witness that each skill is a learned one; each behaviour is a thaught one. You are, in essence, given an almost 'second chance' at contemplating your own 'growing up processes' while being a witness to your children's journey of life, and sifting through layers of your own feelings, observations, and experiences. The neglected past gets another chance of revival and, perhaps, healing. The attended past is celebrated and re-enjoyed...

Looking at this picture, I see readily how much John and I have aged in the past 5 years together. We've gone through (and survived, thank God!) a lot... Our own struggles, our own baggage, our own descent. Confusion. Resentment. Anger. Forgiveness. Physical separation. Childbirth. Chronic illness. Surgery. Loosing loved ones. Loosing friends. Parents divorce. Professional struggles. Cancer.

Above all, we experienced LOVE; in more than one way. Love for one another; love for your child; love for one's parents and siblings. Love of friends. And perhaps, self love, the most difficult journey of all???

That, to me, is the essence of growing older... the ability of loving. It comes more easily, more natural. You realize that THAT's what life is really all about. The very essence of this creation.

Another Terrific Party

Time seems to slip through our fingers... I cannot believe that our little Max already turned 4!!! We were blessed to have such a fabulous party at our home once again; the house filled with so many of our (old & new!) friends and family from all over. A beautiful mixture of race, creed, religion and origin. Despite the whether (snow storm) we had about 40 people over. It was GREAT! We were upbeat, just returning back from an inspiring week at Green Acre.
we are blessed indeed...