Delete

From one day to the next, my closest friend (or so I thought him to be) cut me out of his life.

No explanation.
The spoken word, stiffled...
The written text, left blank...
No understanding.
No reaching out.

Silence has filled the pages of the book of our 18 years of friendship.

It has been over a year now. I have tried in many ways to connect back with him. Even wrote him a letter expressing my pain at his silence. Tried to dig deep within and gain some insight into my contribution to this silence. I have gained my own perspective.... but only mine. One part of a shared existence.

How could this person wipe me out of his life so easily? How does he do it? You just get up and tell yourself that this person just does not exist? Any email, you delete. Any voicemail.. delete... Any mention... delete.

I never thought this person was capable of such coldness; such apathy. It gives me the shivers....

Is it that easy? Like hitting the key on one's computer? You "just" press
"D E L E T E"?

To me, by wiping out a person from your life, you wipe out any meaning your connection once had. Any shared past becomes non-existent. Meaningless.
For me... I cannot wipe out that past. It was, and remains too meaningful to me. I cared for this person for what he was, and what he was not. For his past and for his future.

It's painful to me to realize that obviously he did not care (enough) for me.